“I’ve always conflated music ecstasy with what was going on in my life at the time, and been driven down cow paths of self destruction, because of it. So now, when I feel that “old familiar feeling” when they’re playing “our song”, I turn off all devices. Think about it. A good dump run has more staying power, for me now. The bags of plastic refuse, neat chunks of Advantech particle board to be tossed, along with carefully collected recyclables. The one big man sitting on his folding chair taking money, just inside the garbage trailer’s door. A fulfilling transaction, if all goes well, though I’m not sure I hear what he’s saying, exactly. Come all the way up the steps with the trash, or just hoist it to the edge? I’ve been known to get flustered, at the simplest of public chores. This is where being married came in handy, because I’ve never excelled at understanding how to do things. He did. Leave me with materials and I’ll lay a whole tile mosaic, or write a song, but I’ll never thrive in the sphere of local politics. Condemn me to travel officialdom’s byways, & my psyche will inevitably fall prey to frustration and shame. Because I just don’t get how people connive, manipulate and think for their own gain. This is how I’ve learned not to trust. I consider it a survival skill. Yet, at any given moment, love flows abundant, towards those who have no investment in knowing me. The clerk who keeps the coffee fresh, the nursery manager who just barely remembers the name of my business, as he yells out to a guy to take the tractor out back to load my wood chips, even my own children who seem preoccupied with legitimate worries, ones they think I don’t need hear. It’s true: I’ll be involved anyway, in my own covert way of building spiritually, what can’t be addressed directly. Where superficiality rears its ugly head, I’ll be all over it. Feeling more deeply than ever, the incredible lost opportunity to be creatively connected. I can only advise, that when things hurt, you have many options. You should never feel hemmed in by any one idea. Knowing how to expand your map, so that when one thing tanks, you can move (almost) seamlessly to the next open platform, is an art. I don’t know if you can do this, and stay comfortable for all of it. So don’t bank on comfort, just be ready to soldier thru until things get soft again, and you can relax. I’ve taken some brutal hits this year, from friends and family. Society at large has offered the most outrageous blows, but I’m still not going to buckle. There is a baseline of civility and decency. Home Depot was a nightmare. But still, I held on. Buying three toilets all at one go, was ambitious, I know. I studied the specs, according to American Standard, and chose “The Champion”. Able to direct a whole bucket of golfballs, in a single flush. Surrounded by masked people, unsure who was friend, who was foe, I finally engaged one young man, there to help me. “I want to buy three toilets”, I said. “Can you help me?” I didn’t know he belonged to the electrical division. He rallied to bring my toilets to the front, anyway. I guess he figured, it might be his good deed for the day. At the “self check-out” he walked me thru it and called in my question, about the “tall” designation pulled up by my toilet’s UPC. “She wants to know if that’s average or tall”, he said into his cell. I won’t bore you with the outcome. He was in electrical, as I’ve said. But walking me out to the curb and waiting while I got my truck from the lot and pulled into place for pickup, I didn’t exactly forget him. It’s a harsh environment for some of us. It’s fine tho, that he forgot me.”
