“Nothing much happened, it’s what didn’t happen that I appreciate. No car breakdowns, notices from the bank, no embarrassing encounters in which I try to act normal, and fail. Maybe it’s my dreams that disturb me. The beautiful people signaling me to chill, to stop crying, to just get over it as I tell them how much I miss my children. And maybe that’s why storms fill me with such anticipation, because sometimes raw force is the only thing. Not human against human, but elemental power covering & pushing out what’s wrong with us. The ominous darkness, the mounting pile of clouds that seem to touch heaven, serious and determined, and unapologetic. I’ll take it. I can’t really handle change. I’d just like it to come, like a destructive flood. I know someday I’ll be reunited with the ones I threw my lot in with. It wasn’t meant to work out this time. And to those children next door who have left twigs in my mailbox, I hear you. I never meant to ignore you. My love for the natural state of childhood knows no bounds. And all the sadness that comes, we should be feeling it. For the children we loved but never were allowed to share. The biological relations in our genetic circle, who got locked away from us, due to distance and time. How does one person, living alone, make up for all this? As I glide through the shallow waters I can still navigate, beneath cliffs of ancient stone and soft coverings of moss and pine needles, here, the sky expands for me in compassionate defeat. I give in to what I can’t control. I let go of the ones i loved beyond reason and staked my life into the cold bedrock defending. It’s not right that women lose. I did what I knew at the time was righteous. The sharp, sheer drop offs angling down behind guard rails, falling into deep fissures of glacial rock are formidable. You would have to know that some angels resided in the gulf between you and your life. You would need to believe that despite what didn’t work and still doesn’t, that you have an unquenchable love in your being. It hurts as bad as it is good. Scrambling down the bank grabbing at non-existent roots, you will have to go with that for now. Until you slide into the water. And float noiseless, into a cove of temporary protection. Waiting, and wanting, and praying to be led. There are those who have gone before. And their greatest desire, thankfully, is to go back and pull us forward not because of anything in this life.”
